deranged moments
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in these deranged moments
it's not time to be friends,
we need to talk about it
& silence is not the way
I Crave your mind that browsed cataloged pages of my life
witnessing me living & dying many tales
I can afford to suffer with you...
Let me seize the moment to begin
it's time you come of age.
So come undone
I knew there was something wrong,
should've told me you wanted someone to blame
but you left me far behind
now I have to watch you suffer alone.
I felt the mutiny in my veins
so receive me before I rupture these plans
like the birth of ink on paper
erupting the pen's tip to breathe
and call me before you exhale,
when no one's around at your super hour
encrypt the distance between us
lay down resistance for me
I wish you had never kept me waiting
by the backyard bay
with inert gangster lullabies,
pondering back as I remembered
the graveyard shift and all its nuances
stagnant questions & dull answers,
the definition of free speech
flexible words as you,
taxing with a heavy hand,
the high of the low-end
Breathe into broken one-liners
a glimpse about the blues of dark tales
about not getting enough of what you want,
as for me
I have come to love the spiral hollow freedom you offer in your deranged moments.
I have come to love the spiral hollow freedom you offer in your deranged moments
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Sep 12, 2022
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lyrics & vocals: azdi404
music credit: Haram by Exilian
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“Deranged Moments” operates as a fevered postscript to Dying Sequence — a work of aftermath, instability, and strange affection.
If Dying Sequence closed the love story in elegiac calm, this poem reopens it in turbulence. It’s a portrait of emotional relapse: the speaker, unable to maintain the finality of loss, returns to the ruins of the relationship — drawn to the very chaos that destroyed it. The title’s juxtaposition — “Deranged Moments” — suggests flashes of madness that punctuate an otherwise numb existence. Within those flashes, paradoxically, the speaker rediscovers connection, creativity, and freedom.
I. Tone and Premise: The Return to Chaos
“In these deranged moments / It's not time to be friends”
The poem opens with a line of decisive tension — friendship is dismissed as inadequate. The word deranged doesn’t simply mean “insane”; etymologically, it implies being disarranged, taken out of order. This signals that what follows will be disordered, nonlinear — a fitting mode for post-breakup consciousness. The speaker rejects civility (friendship) in favor of raw authenticity, however destructive.
II. Communication and Silence: The Necessity of Voice
“We need to talk about it / & silence is not the way”
These simple declaratives are almost therapeutic in tone, reminiscent of relationship counseling or confession. After the silences of Dying Sequence, speech returns — fractured, urgent, and necessary.
The ampersand (&) throughout the poem functions like a pulse, keeping the rhythm breathless, as if the poet cannot stop speaking once the dam breaks.
III. Memory as Surveillance and Exposure
“I Crave your mind that browsed cataloged pages of my life / Witnessing me living & dying many tales”
Here, love becomes an act of mutual voyeurism. The beloved has “browsed” the speaker’s life as though through an archive or digital library — “cataloged pages” implies that intimacy has become data, stored and retrieved.
This connects back to earlier poems’ fascination with text, inscription, and encryption (“coded words on lines,” “nation of alphabets”). The speaker craves that level of attention again — the feeling of being read completely.
IV. The Language of Birth, Writing, and Rupture
“I felt the mutiny in my veins
So receive me before I rupture these plans
Like the birth of ink on paper
Erupting the pen's tip to breathe”
This is the poem’s most potent metaphorical nexus. Emotional rebellion (“mutiny”) fuses with artistic creation (“birth of ink on paper”). The poet likens his own confession to the pen’s eruption — creation as both bleeding and breathing. Writing becomes a physiological act — the body’s revolt finding form through ink.
The imagery recalls the self-sacrificial tone of I Feel Kamikaze: destruction as genesis, suffering as creative necessity.
V. The Appeal for Contact
“And call me before you exhale / When no one's around at your super hour / Encrypt the distance between us / Lay down resistance for me”
This stanza bridges sensuality and code — breath and encryption.
“Before you exhale” implies a moment of intimacy (perhaps sexual, perhaps emotional), while “encrypt the distance” recalls digital intimacy, the need to communicate secretly, almost conspiratorially.
The speaker’s plea is both physical and metaphysical: erase the gap between them, if only temporarily.
VI. The “Backyard Bay” and the Blues of the Mundane
“I wish you had never kept me waiting
By the backyard bay
With inert gangster lullabies”
This imagery grounds the poem in specific, tactile space after its earlier abstractions. “Backyard bay” evokes suburban melancholy; “gangster lullabies” fuses danger with tenderness. The tone is nostalgic but distorted — like a memory replayed through static.
This stanza forms a montage of ordinary pain: night shifts, dull conversations, economic struggle.
“The graveyard shift and all its nuances / Stagnant questions & dull answers”
The diction suggests emotional labor as monotonous work — love turned into a weary routine.
VII. The Blues and the Spiral Freedom
“Breathe into broken one-liners
A glimpse about the blues of dark tales
About not getting enough of what you want”
Here the poet situates his emotional world within a blues aesthetic: sorrow expressed through rhythm, repetition, and compressed language (“broken one-liners”).
The blues, traditionally, turns suffering into song — precisely what this poem enacts.
The final lines synthesize despair and liberation:
“I have come to love the spiral hollow freedom you offer
In your deranged moments”
“Spiral hollow freedom” is a magnificent paradox. It evokes freedom through emptiness — the release that comes from letting go of control, even sanity. The “spiral” suggests both descent and transcendence — a recurring motif across your body of work, from Creation’s divine loops to Kamikaze’s circular struggle.
The repetition of the closing line reinforces acceptance: the speaker no longer resists the beloved’s chaos but embraces it as the condition of their shared existence.
VIII. Literary Devices
| Device |
Example |
Effect |
| Paradox |
“Spiral hollow freedom” |
Captures the beauty of emotional collapse. |
| Metaphor of Writing |
“Birth of ink on paper” |
Links creativity and suffering. |
| Allusion to Technology |
“Encrypt the distance” |
Modernizes intimacy; suggests secrecy. |
| Musical Imagery |
“Gangster lullabies,” “blues of dark tales” |
Evokes rhythm and emotional texture. |
| Repetition |
Final lines |
Creates closure through hypnotic return. |
IX. Themes
| Theme |
Interpretation |
| Madness and Intimacy |
Passion survives only in chaos; love and derangement coexist. |
| Communication vs. Silence |
Speech becomes salvation after emotional numbness. |
| Memory and Surveillance |
To be loved is to be read, archived, and witnessed. |
| Creation Through Pain |
Emotional rupture births artistic expression. |
| Freedom in Surrender |
The speaker finds liberation in accepting instability. |
X. Conclusion: The Beauty of the Breakdown
“Deranged Moments” completes a psychological arc that began with divine creation and ends in human disarray. Where Creation sought perfection, this poem finds meaning in imperfection — in the raw, unfiltered moments when love and madness become indistinguishable.
The speaker’s evolution is profound:
-
In Creation, he was a god commanding the universe into being.
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In Dying Sequence, he watched that universe collapse into silence.
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In Deranged Moments, he finds art within the debris — the poetry of the unhealed.
Ultimately, the “deranged moments” are not lapses but revelations: flashes of truth stripped of pretense, where vulnerability and chaos coexist. They are the fragments that remain when order dies — and for the poet, those fragments are enough to begin again.
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