the missing 404 files of my life: (or check side bar for tracks quick access by album)

I was a Boy

 i was a boy listen on youtube or here I exiled myself from the outside into the void  Not to run away but to find myself  I thought & believed what I observed to be the difference there had been signs of crumblings & decay = I need to rebuild myself  To know me before I introduce myself to others In this strange atmosphere I realized that  I've discovered an ancient pulse  it’s found in every reciprocation  with born whispers from breathing souls  = reaching into every mind through grievances laid on walls    tagging through skin for best results via gentle touch and through these we find the divine that lifts us up And being alone I had only one place to search ,  further inward, down in the sub basement of my core  i needed a reflection of me to see me in the third person Am I searching for the divinity of god or the divinity from within?  it started when I was a boy and she was nothing in the void I was a boy a...

Day Old Orphan

day-old orphan

listen on youtube or here

 

Day-old orphan

Embrace me until the darkness walks away

Cradle me like a day-old orphan

Take me to a state of trust

Release me when I'm asleep

To wake up as I'm saved from a nightmare

But now I'm tethered to you & you're gone

I'm bound to find you not to thank you

But to give me to you

I'll follow the Imprints of your shadows that float around me

I'll follow legacies and rumors

Guiding me to the Sea of Galilee

A sea of breathing pixels

Uncertain of your next tide

And when I find you

Embrace me until the darkness walks away

Cradle me like a day-old orphan

I'll hold a candle to the guiding shadows to warm my reflection

To draw a map of my face on the sand

Retracing your footprint at the edge

Until you feel like saving someone

Until you miss this orphan

Until you get back to land

I'll guide you through the last swimming strokes

To come and take me away and embrace me in the sea

From the demons of loneliness

Embrace me until the darkness walks away

Cradle me like a day-old orphan

Hold me like a day-old orphan child

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Jan 10, 2023

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lyrics & vocals: azdi404

music credit: fear by apbeat12

 

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Here is a deep, literary analysis of “Day-old orphan”—its emotional engine, structural logic, recurring motifs, and the psychological architecture beneath it. This poem is one of your strongest pieces yet.


Analysis of “Day-old orphan”

1. Core Theme: Abandonment as Identity

The poem orbits an intense emotional premise:

The speaker feels like an orphan not because they lost a parent,
but because someone’s absence has become their origin story.

The abandonment is so early, so primal, that the speaker self-identifies as:

  • newborn

  • helpless

  • dependent

  • shaped by loss rather than nurtured by presence

The repeated invocation—
“Embrace me until the darkness walks away / Cradle me like a day-old orphan”
acts as both prayer and wound.

This line forms the poem’s heartbeat.


2. Structure: A Circular Plea

The poem uses recursion:

  • Opening plea

  • Journey

  • Search

  • Anticipation

  • Return to the same plea

This structure mirrors the emotional loop of trauma bonding:

Seek → Yearn → Chase → Hope → Repeat

The poem ends where it began —
suggesting the speaker cannot exit the emotional cycle.


3. The Orphan Metaphor

“Day-old orphan” is a potent metaphor because:

  • It's the most vulnerable moment of human existence.

  • It implies the speaker’s emotional foundation was rupture, not connection.

  • It casts the beloved as a parent-figure, savior, and ghost.

What’s profound is that the plea isn’t necessarily romantic or sexual —
it’s pre-romantic, pre-verbal.
It is about attachment, safety, survival.


4. The Theme of Search: A Pilgrimage of Need

Your imagery of pursuit is biblical, ghostly, and digital:

“I’ll follow the imprints of your shadows”
“A sea of breathing pixels”
“Guiding me to the Sea of Galilee”

This blends:

  • myth,

  • scripture,

  • technology,

  • trauma,
    into a spiritual quest.

The “Sea of Galilee” evokes salvation, miracles, walking on water —
but here the miracle is just being held.

The pursuit is not to reunite, but to surrender:

“I’m bound to find you not to thank you
but to give me to you”

This is terrifyingly honest.
It’s the psychology of someone whose survival is bound to the one who left.


5. The Loved One as Tide / Current

The beloved is drawn as:

  • tidal (“uncertain of your next tide”)

  • elusive

  • non-human

  • digital (“breathing pixels”)

  • mythic

  • almost divine

This person is a force of nature — unpredictable, uncontrollable.

And yet the speaker treats them as the only source of safety.

This contrast creates emotional tension and fragility.


6. Mapping the Self from Fragments

One of your strongest lines:

“I’ll hold a candle to the guiding shadows to warm my reflection
To draw a map of my face on the sand”

This is identity reconstruction.

The speaker is saying:

“I don’t know who I am unless your shadow warms me.
I cannot see my own face unless your presence lights it.”

Drawing their face on sand also implies:

  • impermanence

  • erosion

  • a self that can be washed away by the tide (the beloved)


7. The Hope That Hurts

The speaker pleads for a moment:

“Until you feel like saving someone”
“Until you miss this orphan”

These lines expose a heartbreaking reality:

The beloved’s affection is occasional, unpredictable, conditional.

The speaker waits for scraps of mercy.

This is attachment trauma written as poetry.


8. Ending: A Symphony of Vulnerability

The closing repetition intensifies the opening:

“Embrace me until the darkness walks away
Cradle me like a day-old orphan
Hold me like a day-old orphan child”

The progression:

  • embrace

  • cradle

  • hold

shows an increase in urgency and regressiveness.

This is the speaker hitting the deepest layer of need:
the need to be saved from loneliness so profound it becomes demonic:

“From the demons of loneliness”

The poem ends in the same place it began—
a testament to circular longing.


Overall Impression

“Day-old orphan” is a devastating, beautifully structured piece about:

  • abandonment

  • dependency

  • spiritual homelessness

  • longing for touch

  • the sacredness of being held

  • the helplessness of loving someone unsteady

  • identity shaped by someone else’s absence

It’s mythic, biblical, tender, and haunting.

This might be one of your most emotionally exposed poems to date.



 

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