Calling My Own

 calling my own v2

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calling my own  v1

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Let the church's bells ring

The callings of the mosques' minarets wail

allow recitals of the temples, whisper their soft tones

decree what they believe in .....

that it was written as they believe,

Is it enough for a pitied soul like mine?

=

sounding hollow, not calling in your name

So I called my own way For a piece of god, I plead, I relay,

transcribed wounds to the higher, soaked with harsh words

Let me grieve what I know and how I know

casting the first stones, even though I know

I had dark plans of my own

=

You bathed your troubles in me

You left your slate clean again

I spread your sins on my skin to be semi-whole once more,

In a tight space for me to pray, you left me on the dark side of your heart, that's free solo,

getting me so low, not exactly where I want to be, but it's somewhere in you

where you shed broken parts, that I gathered,

I've built a replica of you for when you're gone

=

Have you seen my original self?

Wearing your sins as a birthday suit?

You promised me comfort before you go,

You promised me comfort before you go,

deposit me into my fate & run away like you always do

Something honest is dying, leaving me with two truths and a lie

shame, secrets & love that still bows down before you.

Have you seen my original self?

Have you seen me now?

Are you content with yourself?

laly?

Talk to me, laly

Are you content with yourself

Have you seen me now?

=

Jan 17 2023

lyrics & voice :azdi404

music credit: Avowal by Gaxillic

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calling my own  v1 lyrics

let the churches bells ring  
the callings of the mosques wail  
allow recitals of the temples
whisper their soft tones
decree what they believe in .....  
that it was written as they believe,
is it enough for a pitied soul like mine?
=
sounding hollow,
not calling in your name
so I called my own way
For a piece of god, I plead, I relay,
transcripted wounds to the higher  
soaked with harsh words  
let me grieve what I know and how i know
casting the first stones
even though I know
I had dark plans of my own
=
you bathed your troubles in me
you left your slate clean again
I spread your sins on my skin
to be semi-whole once more,
in a tight space for me to pray
you left me on the dark side
of your heart, that's free solo,
getting me so low,
not exactly where I want to be,
but it's somewhere in you
where you shed broken parts, that I gathered,
I've built a replica for you when you've gone
=
Have you seen my original self?
Wearing your sins as a birthday suit?
you promised me comfort before you go,
deposit me into my fate & run away
like you always do
something honest is dying
leaving me with two truths and a lie
shame, secrets & fake love
that still bows down before you.
Have you seen my original self?
have you seen me now?
are you content with yourself?
=
jan 17 2023

lyrics & voice :azdi404
music credit: 'Filaments' by @ScottBuckley  🇦🇺   Sad Ambiental Music (No Copyright) 😔
'Filaments' by Scott Buckley is under a Creative Commons license Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0)
   / scottbuckley   
Music promoted by BreakingCopyright: https://bit.ly/filaments-song

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This poem — “Calling My Own” — continues and deepens the mythos of The Laly Cycle, but with a sharper introspective tone.
It is a work of spiritual exhaustion turned self-creation, where the speaker no longer seeks revelation through established faiths or through divine love, but through a private ritual of grief and reconstruction.

Here, Laly remains the unseen center — the absent divinity and emotional catalyst — but the voice has changed. The fervent believer of “My Own Mecca” and the confessional survivor of “The Story of Amen” has grown quieter, more haunted, and more self-aware. The poem’s speaker now performs a ritual of calling without answer, and the act of calling itself becomes sacred.

Let’s examine the poem in detail.

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I. The Title: “Calling My Own”

The title encapsulates the poem’s central act of rebellion and autonomy.
In traditional religion, “the call” comes from the divine — the adhan from the minaret, the tolling of church bells, the chant from the temple. But here, the poet inverts that structure: the call no longer comes from God, but from the self.

“Sounding hollow, not calling in your name
So I called my own way for a piece of god.”

This shift signals a profound spiritual independence — or isolation. The speaker refuses to participate in inherited systems of worship, choosing instead to invent his own form of prayer, born from longing, grief, and human imperfection.

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II. The Universal and the Personal: A Polyphonic Opening

“Let the church’s bells ring
The callings of the mosques’ minarets wail
Allow recitals of the temples, whisper their soft tones.”

The poem opens in a global chorus of faith — Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, or Buddhism all coexist in this soundscape.
The syntax (“Let... Allow... Decree...”) mimics biblical imperative but is used to catalogue diversity rather than enforce orthodoxy. The speaker acknowledges the multiplicity of belief systems yet feels excluded from all:

“Is it enough for a pitied soul like mine?”

The question transforms the cosmic into the personal. Religion is sonically alive, but spiritually mute to him. He is surrounded by ritual but untouched by grace. This moment defines the poem’s existential tone — belonging to no faith, yet yearning for the sacred.

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III. Personal Revelation: The Self as Prophet

“Sounding hollow, not calling in your name
So I called my own way for a piece of god
I plead, I relay
Transcribed wounds to the higher, soaked with harsh words.”

Here, we encounter one of the most striking motifs in the Laly cycle: the sacralization of suffering.
“Transcribed wounds” is a powerful metaphor — the poet literally writes his pain, converting it into scripture. This act merges creation and confession: art becomes both ritual and rebellion.

The “piece of god” is not found through obedience but through language and pain — reminiscent of mystics who found divinity in ecstatic torment (St. John of the Cross, Rumi, Blake). Yet unlike those figures, this speaker’s god is silent, replaced by the memory of Laly.

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IV. Shared Sin and Emotional Symbiosis

“You bathed your troubles in me
You left your slate clean again
I spread your sins on my skin to be semi-whole once more.”

This passage is central to the poem’s emotional core. It depicts a paradoxical intimacy: purification through contamination.
The imagery recalls biblical atonement — the idea of one taking on another’s sins — but transposes it into the language of emotional dependency.

The phrase “semi-whole” captures the poem’s theology perfectly: the speaker is never entirely healed, only temporarily reconstructed through suffering. This cyclical purification and relapse parallels religious ritual itself — repentance, absolution, relapse, confession — endlessly repeated.

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V. Architecture of Devotion: The Replica Motif

“You left me on the dark side of your heart, that’s free solo
Getting me so low, not exactly where I want to be
But it’s somewhere in you
Where you shed broken parts, that I gathered
I’ve built a replica of you for when you’re gone.”

This stanza revisits a recurring idea from “My Own Mecca”: the building of an inner shrine.
But whereas the earlier shrine was an act of worship, this “replica” is one of desperation and survival. The poet collects Laly’s “broken parts” — memories, gestures, traces — to recreate her within himself.

This is both sacred and unsettling: he is no longer worshipping Laly, but possessing her absence, making a simulacrum of the divine to fill the void. The line “for when you’re gone” concedes that she already is.

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VI. Disillusionment and Self-Recognition

“Have you seen my original self?
Wearing your sins as a birthday suit?”

Here the poem turns self-reflexive, confronting identity after total spiritual fusion. The “original self” is lost beneath layers of devotion and borrowed guilt. “Birthday suit” — normally a humorous idiom for nakedness — here carries tragic irony: the self has been reborn only in corruption.

“Deposit me into my fate & run away like you always do
Something honest is dying.”

This direct address returns the poem to the confessional mode. The tone is resigned, even accusatory, but tinged with reverence. What dies is not just love, but honesty — the raw truth that once animated the relationship and, by extension, the speaker’s faith.

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VII. The Repetition of Laly: Invocation as Desperation

The final section becomes a desperate litany:

“Have you seen me now?
Are you content with yourself?
Laly?
Talk to me, laly
Are you content with yourself
Have you seen me now?”

The name “Laly” functions here as both a prayer and an echo — a summoning that yields no response. The repetition of questions mirrors a worshipper’s unanswered prayer, closing the poem in existential echo.

The tone evokes T.S. Eliot’s The Waste Land or the Psalms of Lament — the believer who cries into the silence of God. Yet here, it is not divinity but human absence that produces the void.

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VIII. Literary and Thematic Synthesis

“Calling My Own” weaves together the cycle’s major themes:

Theme	Expression in the Poem
Personal Theology	The speaker rejects institutional faiths and “calls his own way.”
Pain as Scripture	“Transcribed wounds” transforms trauma into sacred text.
Redemptive Suffering	The speaker absorbs Laly’s sins to feel “semi-whole.”
Reconstruction of the Beloved	Builds a “replica” of Laly to survive her absence.
Loss of Self	The original self is buried beneath devotion and guilt.
Silence of the Divine	Laly, once goddess, is now a mute presence, mirroring divine absence.

 

In the cosmology of the Laly poems, “Calling My Own” stands as a late-stage testament — the speaker’s final act of faith in the absence of faith. It bridges the emotional despair of “Sporadic Worship Thoughts” with a faint trace of agency: he may be abandoned, but he still calls, he still writes.

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IX. Conclusion: The Voice that Refuses Silence

“Calling My Own” is both a lament and a declaration of independence.
It dismantles inherited systems of worship, exposes the futility of idealized love, yet affirms the enduring power of the call itself — the human impulse to reach, to name, to seek meaning even in silence.

The poem’s final unanswered “Laly?” echoes across the entire cycle — a name that once signified divinity now signifies distance. Yet in that echo lies the poem’s redemption. The act of speaking, even without response, is itself a form of faith.

In this way, “Calling My Own” closes the arc of the Laly Cycle not with transcendence, but with enduring humanity — the poet as the last believer, worshipping not God or the beloved, but the very sound of his own call.

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Would you like me to integrate “Calling My Own” into the complete Laly Cycle essay, expanding the thematic table and adjusting the conclusion to treat this poem as the final chapter — the elegy of the entire mythology?